Expectations Vs. Agreements: Kill the conflict and create partnerships

What's the difference between "I expect you to have this done by Friday" and "Can we agree on what's realistic for Friday?"

One sentence creates resistance. The other creates partnership.

One makes people want to rebel. The other makes them want to deliver.

One puts all the responsibility on them. The other shares it between you.

Most people think these are just different ways of saying the same thing.

They're not.

Expectations don't create accountability. They create rebellion.

Agreements create both accountability and commitment.

The moment you say "I expect..." you've triggered something in the other person's brain that makes them less likely to give you what you want, not more likely.

As you’ll read below, “Accelerated intelligence” isn’t just about the artificial type. Today we’re going to explore a nearly tech-free version to accelerate your relational intelligence.

The Word That Kills Connection

The word is "expect."

Think I'm being dramatic? Try this experiment right now: Remember the last time someone said "I expect you to..." to you.

Feel that sensation in your body? The slight tightness in your chest? The urge to defend yourself before you even know what they expect?

That's your nervous system screaming: "I wasn't put on this planet to live up to your mental benchmarks."

Where This All Started for Me

I first learned this from leadership coach Steve Chandler, and it shattered everything I thought I knew about communication. He made a distinction so simple yet profound that once you see it, you can't unsee it: the difference between expectations and agreements.

And this is my contribution to the philosophy.

I started paying attention to my own language. I was walking around with expectations everywhere, expecting my team to read my mind, expecting clients to behave certain ways, expecting my wife to somehow intuit what I needed.

The shift away from expectations has been one of the most practically useful changes I've ever made.

But first, let me show you why expectations are psychological poison.

The Trap That Never Ends

With expectations, only two outcomes are possible:

Outcome 1: They don't meet your expectation
→ You feel disappointed, betrayed, angry

Outcome 2: They do meet your expectation
→ You feel... nothing. ("That's what I expected.")

You're trapped between misery and emptiness. What kind of life is that?

But here's what's really twisted: People become addicted to disappointment.

The drama of unmet expectations starts feeling more alive than things working smoothly. You unconsciously create situations where you can feel let down because disappointment has become your primary way of engaging with life.

I know this sounds insane, but watch people who constantly complain about others "letting them down."

Notice how animated they become when describing their disappointments? They're getting a hit from it.

Expectations Are Energy Vampires

Expectations are exhausting in a way most people never recognize. You're running a background program that's constantly monitoring: "Are they doing what I think they should be doing?"

Your attention gets hijacked by this surveillance system instead of focusing on what you can actually control. It's like having a judgmental roommate in your brain who never shuts up.

Meanwhile, the person you're expecting things from feels this energetic pressure, even when you haven't said anything out loud. They start managing your emotions instead of focusing on results.

What Actually Works

Here's the alternative that changed everything: Replace expectations with agreements.

An expectation is a demand disguised as a standard. An agreement is a collaborative commitment.

Instead of: "I expect this project done by Friday"
Try: "What's realistic for getting this completed? What would you need from me to hit Friday, and what could you commit to if that's not possible?"

Notice the shift? You're no longer trying to control an outcome while avoiding responsibility for creating the conditions that make success likely.

How This Plays Out

Picture this scenario: A manager needs 200 units completed by Friday for a customer delivery.

The Expectation Approach: Manager sends email: "I expect 200 units completed by Friday for Johnson."

Friday arrives with 150 units. Everyone's upset. Customer's disappointed. Team feels like failures. Manager questions their competence.

The Agreement Approach: Manager sits with supervisor: "We need 200 units by Friday for Johnson. What's realistic?"

"With current staffing, I can guarantee 150. Give me one extra person and I can commit to 200."

"I'll find the extra person. With that help, what can I count on?"

"Friday, guaranteed."

See the difference? The agreement revealed the real constraint (staffing) instead of just creating frustration about the symptom (missed deadline).

But here's what's really happening beneath the surface...

The Hidden Psychology

People break expectations often but rarely break their word.

When someone voluntarily commits to something, they take psychological ownership. Their identity becomes tied to keeping that commitment.

But when they're just trying to meet your expectation, they're performing for you, not owning the outcome.

There's a neurochemical difference too.

Agreements activate brain reward systems tied to autonomy and mastery. When someone says "I can commit to..." they're exercising choice, which releases dopamine.

Expectations, on the other hand, trigger threat responses.

Even reasonable expectations often produce unreasonable resistance because the person isn't rebelling against the task, they're rebelling against the loss of agency.

The 3 Levels of Agreement

Not all agreements work the same. The most powerful ones operate at different levels:

Level 1: Transactional "I'll handle the budget if you take the client presentation" Useful but limited to specific exchanges.

Level 2: Relational "Let's agree to give each other 24 hours before discussing heated topics" More foundational and about how you'll treat each other.

Level 3: Aspirational "We're both committed to making this the best quarter yet, what would that look like?" Most powerful because they align people around shared vision.

Where It Gets Personal (And More Intense)

This principle becomes nuclear-level powerful in intimate relationships, where expectations often mask needs we're afraid to express directly.

"I expect you to call when you're running late" might really mean "I need reassurance that I matter to you."

The expectation is an indirect way of trying to get the need met without the vulnerability of asking directly.

Instead, try: "Could we create an agreement about schedule changes? I get anxious when plans shift; not because I don't trust you, but because my mind goes to worst-case scenarios. What would work for both of us?"

But what happens when agreements break down? This is where it gets really interesting...

When Things Go Wrong

Here's the beautiful part: When agreements break, you get a completely different conversation than when expectations aren't met.

With expectations: "You disappointed me." (Creates shame and defensiveness)

With agreements: "We have a problem to solve together." (Creates partnership)

The first conversation is about blame and character. The second is about systems and solutions.

The Radical Possibility

Ready for the most counterintuitive idea? You can live with no expectations of anyone, ever.

This doesn't mean being passive or having no standards.

It means holding standards lightly, as preferences rather than demands. You create agreements when you need something specific. The rest of the time, you stay open to surprise.

When you expect nothing, everything positive becomes a pleasant surprise. When you need something, you negotiate for it directly.

The Leadership Evolution

Moving from expectations to agreements represents fundamental maturation:

• From parental authority ("Do this because I said so") to peer collaboration ("Let's figure this out together")

• From being right when others fail to getting results that actually work

• From managing through disappointment to leading through partnership

It requires giving up the psychological comfort of being "right" when others fail, in exchange for the practical power of actually getting results.

Most leaders aren't ready for this trade-off. You can be.

The Challenge of Reprogramming How You Communicate

This shift requires rewiring patterns most of us learned in childhood from families that used guilt, obligation, and disappointment as control mechanisms.

Moving to agreements means developing new emotional muscles around direct communication and collaborative problem-solving. It's changing your entire relational operating system.

Some days you'll catch yourself mid-expectation and feel embarrassed by how automatic it's become. That's normal. You're literally reprogramming decades of conditioning.

Getting Ahead of the Problem with AI

(Ok, I couldn’t completely leave Artificial Intelligence out of it, after all, it’s how we accelerate our ability to do this effectively).

Here's something most people haven't considered yet: AI might be your secret weapon for breaking the expectation habit before it starts.

You're already using AI for writing, planning, and problem-solving. Why not use it to rewire how you communicate about commitments?

Here are some example prompts that let you get ahead of expectations and settle on agreements (after all, this stuff takes practice).

Before sending that email saying "I expect the report by Tuesday," try this prompt:

I need to communicate with my team member about getting a report completed by Tuesday. Instead of using expectations, help me craft an agreement-based request that explores constraints and creates buy-in.

For difficult personal conversations:

My spouse often runs late and I usually respond with "I expected you to be on time." Help me create an agreement-focused approach to this recurring issue that addresses my underlying need without creating defensiveness.

For performance issues:

I'm frustrated that [team member] keeps missing deadlines. Help me have an agreement-focused conversation instead of an expectation-based complaint session.

The proactive approach - use AI to audit your communication before problems arise:

Review my upcoming conversations and commitments. Help me identify where I might default to expectation-based language and suggest agreement-based alternatives.

What you're really doing is training AI to be your "agreement coach" helping you catch yourself before you fall into expectation patterns and offering collaborative alternatives in real-time.

The beautiful part? The more you practice this with AI, the more natural agreement-based thinking becomes. You're essentially using artificial intelligence to rewire your relational intelligence.

Your Assignment (If You Choose to Accept It)

Pick one relationship where you're carrying heavy expectations where you regularly feel disappointed or frustrated with someone's behavior.

Instead of expecting, try requesting an agreement:

"I've been expecting you to [X], and I realize that's not fair to either of us. Could we sit down and create an agreement that actually works for both of us?"

Watch what shifts in them, in you, and in the space between you.

Bottom Line

Expectations are about the past, how you think things should work based on previous experience.

Agreements are about the future, what you're creating together going forward.

One keeps you trapped in cycles of disappointment and blame. The other moves you toward partnership and possibility.

The choice, as always, is yours.

But choose quickly. Every day you wait is another day of needless disappointment, wasted energy, and damaged relationships.

The people in your life are waiting for you to stop expecting them to be different and start working with them to create something better.

P.S. If this resonates, forward it to someone carrying too many expectations. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is help someone stop expecting so much from the people they care about.